Tuesday, 21 February 2012
I have been thinking about addictions and the effects that they carry. I once spoke with Amy about addiction once and that although you loose site and focus of your addictions you are focused on the addiction. The elephant is in a room staring at the void. I am going to try something new for 21 days. By trying to reprogram my mind into a more productive functioning machine. Thinking about the people whom have died recently has made me realize that there is clock ticking and that our lives are quite precious. It was sad to see the passing of Whitney Houston and a shame she never recovered her diva stature in the way she probably wanted.
When Amy left i was gutted, caused I loved her, not just her music but her. She come into my life and I felt truly blessed. My partner is with me and I started to realize that certain behavior has affected him and I want to change all that. He is the sun to my moon and the ying to my yang. I want to be a better human and a better partner. When I was in rehab I thought that that would get rid of my demons and anger, but I was wrong. There is no way to truly get rid of addiction unless you truly get the the source of your pain. And I have had some, but the weight is just not worth the effort of lugging around shit that serves no purpose other than ruining my life.
I am amazed that people freely judge people with addictions with righteous indignation.
It's hard but you get to a point when you just want to be happy and start from scratch. Take better care of yourself and actually get to know the person who's skin your living in. Recently there has been some changes in the shop and it has been a bit stressful, as it comes with being a boss. Taxes and the economy create a huge amount of pressure to preform. Not to mention the loss of someone who i truly like but the efforts that I have put forth i felt were clearly a little uneven and unappreciated. So at the moment I am planning on smiling at people more. I am going to look at life with a different perspective. There are things that I enjoy that make me happy. Simple things.
1.) When my partner holds my hand in a theater and he smiles at me.
2.) The look Joleene gives me when she licks my head and holds me down with her paw.
3.) The sound of Bren's laughter and when he calls my name.
4.) When I achieve a goal and accomplish something I set out to do.