At the moment I feel surrounded by a pecking order that can be debilitating. Stretched thin and just exhausted when it seems to never end. There are times when I feel like a hamster on a wheel spinning and actually going no where. So it's easy to feel like you're drowning and simply want to give up. I hate these moments cause I have to simply stand outside the circle and take a deep long look and take account. The other day I had a breakdown in front of my partner, and for the first time in a long time I felt like a failure. I told him everything, it's my fault cause I should have shared with him earlier. But Bren can't fix me, I can only fix myself. He says I'm to hard on myself, and that I should look at all the good that I have created. Yet there is a weight on my shoulders and it feels like a ton of bricks, heavy and difficult to bare. I am no one's victim, as I can fix this. Just at the moment my emotional state is in a bit if flux and it tears me apart.
I do it to myself really cause I am my own worst enemy. So the saying that goes the enemy of my enemy is my friend, does not apply here. I have thought some stuff through and trying to see where to go from here, but I am not done. I have options and this is a just a low.
I need to find out what my next step is and at what cost will it be. To those whom have shown support thanks. Stay tuned.