Friday, 29 October 2010
Does "IT" Get Better?
This has been a strange week, ok month, Not all bad, what with the President's approval rating plummeting and still no difference in the promise of change, the high profile number of recent teen suicides of gay teenagers in the news. It's made people question things. Yet to make matters worse budgets are getting cut France is in revolt, (and I say good on them) and still more people will loose their jobs. So this brings me to where I am now to aks the million dollar/pound question. Does "It" get better? It was horrible to hear the stories of Tyler Clamentti, Seth Walsh and others whom sought a way out way to early om their still unformed lives. I have seen the coutless people to say, ""Hey look at me I am fat, famous and fabulous (not really), and it gets better" or sing some bullshit song that is gayer than a pink suede christmas tree singing the words to True Colors. Yet, I didn't subscribe to this hoo ha when in fact it sounds great, but in reality it is a different story altogether.
If I am honest being an adult sometimes sucks major ass. But I am here to tell if only one gay kid seeking an answer. Hey If Life gives you lemons, Make some lemonade and sell that bitch bacx to the mother fucker at a profit and make it sweet as fuck and rememebr to serve it with a smile.
Does it get better in my opinion? Honestly, sometimes yes it gets better. Yet you will then be faced with a whole set of different troubles. Me I was made fun of in school sometimes, bullied by two jocks whom always made a point to say shit, spit at me and find new and silly ways for me to be the butt of their ridicule. I secretely had a crush on one of them and this guy was the nastiest of the two. I didn't dress like the popular kids and I did what I wanted against what others in high school thought. I had friends but I wasn't exactly popular to the degree of the cheerleader/jock crowds. Still there were days where I hated wlking down the halls of Saddleback High School, in only to come face to face with these assholes. Long story short, I had enough. I never retaliated, never said a word and just walked on by kept my head up, wiped the spit off and dusted my self off and carried on. Years later I was in the shopping mall with my brother when we came across guy bully one. He bloated to a whopping fat walrus whom actually waddled with a equally obese wife and they were surrounded buy 3 bouys and twin girls. All under the age of 6 and 7 years had passed, I remembered John Beaumont and his crap, but I never forgot. His wife knew my brother and I stood silent as she talked to him and this lard ass wrangled with his brrod of kids. He saw me ad kept his head down. I wasn't rich nor was I directly on the career path I wanted but I saw I ghost of a kid whom used to thnk he was hot shit.
He knew it too, and it fucking made my day. I never said anything other than hello, as they said goodbye.
The Second bully whom was the worst was a guy named Brian, he was tall goodlooking and a cross breed between a punk and jock. The biggest asshole I had ever come across in 17 years. When I was 23 I livedin Silve Lake four doors down from a leather bar called Cuffs, it's gone now. Yet it was notoriously cruisey. and gys went for one reason only and it wasn;t the fucking beer.
I was confident in my body, my sense of self and whom I was becoming. When whom should walk in but Brian. No girlfriend in wife beater and jeans. Me I had already started to accumulate a number of tattoos and hod on my "Beef Is Best" baseball cap, it was my lucky cap. Low and behold as I played pinball in the corner. Brian crusied me, and yeah I wanted to always sleep with Brian and he made his oh we were kids obligitory apollogy with little effort and sincerity. Brian asked my back to his, as he was in town for the weekend and visiting family. Brian was in the Service and on leave, was a father of one and just come out of the closet three years before. all I could remember was just how vicious and cruel his spite was for me and with little or no reason. He took me to a hotel on Sunset where he was staying with his rented car. We smoked weed and fucked most of the night. I was beautiful man and not that great in bed. Actually, kinda shit. More of a three pump chump, and I spent an hour and a half trying to revives this guys boner after a few beers. Then I fucked him and it came back. He passed out and I got dressed and grabbed my leather jacket that just hapened to have a sharpie in the pocket. When I was 23 I had a leather choker that was a crucifix that turned into a mini pocket knife. I still have it today.
Well My horns immediately came to sprout. and I popped the tires of the fucking car cutting the palm o my hand doing so. Then proceeded to write the words "Faggot", "Bitch" "Cocksucker" and the big finnish "Pencil Dick" all over the car. In hindsight when I did it it was almost as I was that same kid in high school. I didn't feel like the me I knew. I fucking legged it for bloks up Sunset Blvd at 6am and jumped a buss back to my house. I never saw him again, but I fet fucking good, I felt better and I could put "It" to rest. I was now in the brain of Brian whom gave me hell and then I actually fucked. Revenge is better than Christmas. Do I regret defacing a insured car. NO, He had it coming and I will say that he raved about my cock sucking skills. So as long as I heard that and knew it, I will be in his psyche He will remeber that night and me calling him oout as the portraying shithead, closeted asshole he was.
In the long run most stuff seems hard now, but it becomes irrelevant. Your Friends will change and you will have your back up against a whole new set of problems. Different troubles and situations. Yes, it's hard but so fucking worth it. Although I am nammed Henry Hate, I do feel love and am glad with the way things truned out. A young kid should never feel alone and if any one whom reads this feels the need to talk, vent or just share. I promise this, I will listen and answer you back. That I promise.
You you are no different than that dork ass kid whom thinks he's cooler than you. The moron whom uses fear as a weapon to pin you under their thumb. The only difference is they identify your strength and that makes them uncomfortable. It's tought to accept yourself as your young cause you have frustration and hope, it is a scary time but a thrilling one. So hang in there and seek help:
The Trevor Project
This is for you all, and know that I love you.